Self-Sabotage. The word followed me wherever I went. It was the theme of my father’s lectures, the topic of my therapist’s sessions, and the lesson of my Sunday school class. And now it is the antagonist of my story, a story of forgiveness, a renewed vision, a promise, and a journey of finding what was once lost. The songwriter of Amazing Grace said, “I once was lost, but now I’m found.” I say, “I once was lost, found, lost again, and now I’m found and praying never to be lost again.”
High school: the core of drama, new experiences, and the formation of identities. It’s a place you do not only learn about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire, but experience it daily as you take tests of knowledge, character, and life. Moods, fads, and friendships seem to fluctuate erratically and make one wonder how things could change so drastically within 24 hours. For fifteen years my life had been pretty predictable and it was pretty much smooth sailing for me. I had been brought up in the church and have never known life without God. I grew up doing bible studies with my parents. I had all the “Sunday school answers”. Little did I know that God was about to rock the boat.
The summer after my freshman year would forever change my life. My family had made the decision to attend a new church. The transition wasn’t difficult, just different. It was my first Friday night youth service that I truly encountered God and I witnessed with my eyes the movement of the Holy Spirit among kids my age. Teenagers filled with the Spirit, speaking in tongues, proclaiming the power of prayer. These teenagers around me opened my eyes to what I was missing. I realized that I was missing something in my walk with Christ and that I yearned for whatever that was. That night I received the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues for the first time. Since that night my enthusiasm for the Lord grew tremendously as I took part in a Christian club at my school called Harvesters. Living up to the name of the club I tried my best to tell people about my faith, inviting friends to youth group, and being a friend people could turn to while praying for opportunities to bring people to Christ.
My sophomore year of high school would be a year I would never forget as I took part in the District Fine Arts Festival, organized by the Assembly of God. The theme for that year’s festival was “Sacrifice,” and I had spent weeks seeking inspiration through prayer for the piece I was to create. I then received a revelation from God which instilled in me a relentless desire to produce a worthy drawing that embodied my vision. I worked assiduously for a whole month, frequently making revisions and refining the symbolism behind each aspect of my drawing to create the message of “Sacrifice.” It was to be called, “Cleansed by the Blood,” and it illustrated 1 John 1:7 which says, “…but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. (NASB)” All that work was rewarded at the district level by its advancement to the National Fine Arts Festival, which was held in Indianapolis, Indiana and attended by more than 13,000 people. It was there that I witnessed the real power of God through my art. The support and encouragement I received from those that attended the festival was overwhelming. A countless amount of people came up to me, telling me how my art touched their hearts. I thought to myself, “Wow, I can really make a difference.” If the comments weren’t enough I left Indianapolis winning 3rd place nation-wide in the Visual Arts category. I felt God carrying me through that competition from the first time he gave me the idea all the way up to even now when my drawing continues to minister to its viewers. I was blessed and grateful. I developed a stronger faith and came to the realization that I could enter the ministry as an artist. Leo Buscaglia said, “Our talents are the gift that God gives to us… What we make of our talents is our gift back to God.”
It was at that moment that I found purpose. God would use me in great ways and I wanted to be his instrument. Satan saw that he was losing me. He saw that my heart desired for what God desired and he began his plot to regain what was lost. As he attacked my family and friends I felt the blame. I felt like Job having things one by one taken away. My choices: Curse God or Curse Myself. It was a win: win situation for Satan. As betrayal and mistrust entered the hearts of my friends bitterness arose and wounds were inflicted. Disrespect and discourage filled the thoughts of my family. Arguments occurred one after another between my parents and fights broke out between my friends. School seemed like just another thing to add to the list of things going badly in my life. Nothing was going well. I sought distractions from anything or anyone. My pain and bitterness cocooned itself until a monster of depression emerged forth. But I would not show it. To everyone looking on the outside I was still my happy positive self. At school, life went on and I was still sought after for advice and consoling words. I had to be strong. I couldn’t show people that I was broken.
As a Christian I still was aware that I had to be God’s light in this world of darkness. My therapist once asked me who I went to for strength and help. She made me realized I had been giving so much of myself to keep up this “strong” act that I never renewed myself and with time I had become brittle and fragile. The devil’s attacks slowly chipped away at me until all I had become was a depressed, worthless, troublesome girl. I looked in the mirror and only saw the reason why everyone’s lives were screwed up. I wondered why I didn’t have the ambitious spirit and strength to be the daughter my parents wanted. I wondered why I after so long of being a “good friend” how I could break the trust of those close to me. I even questioned Jesus’ sacrifice. I rejected his forgiveness not because I lost faith in him, but I lost faith in myself. I felt I was unworthy to receive such an honor from God so I politely refused. The little light that I did have in life was flickering and shadows were creeping from all sides. I let myself go. I was no longer living, but just existing. I had committed suicide. Although my heart was still beating I had killed the person I used to be. I sabotaged myself by doing all that was possible to not succeed, which was do nothing to fix my problems. I just basked in my worthlessness and cried because I was the victim and offender. The devil thought he was triumphant. But he underestimated the word of God and the word of a father.
It was a Saturday morning when my dad woke me up and sat down on the bed. I could tell he was getting ready for one of his oh-so-exciting talks. I was preparing myself to do a lot of nodding. He then said, “You know what the best way to become a failure is? Trying to please everyone. You don’t even have to please me. All you need to worry about is pleasing God. If you follow God, things will be much easier. ” It struck me. Although I had never disbelieved God I didn’t completely trust Him either. If I had honestly trusted Him I would have relied on Him for my strength as opposed to relying on myself to be strong and perfect. Without Christ I can do nothing. It was then I realized that I had to “approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:16) (NIV)” I had to do things God’s way if I ever want to succeed in life. I knew God was the reason I had never physically committed suicide, because deep down inside I always remembered my drawing. I always remembered that God had a purpose for me. Now, I am not claiming that since then my life has been hunky-dory, but slowly but surely things are getting to where they need to be. Re-evaluation and realization has brought me to the point where I stand now. The horizon looks bright and sacrifices made to follow God’s plan will be rewarded. One by one I hand things over to Jesus so that he may completely heal the wounds and restore what was damaged. Waking up with a clean slate is one of the things I am most grateful for. I live today with a desire for God’s best. For once I was lost and now I am found; was once blind, but now I see my worth in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. This concludes my story for now… for I do not know what God has in store for me next. Until then I will share this chapter of my life at every opportunity the Lord gives me.
